Every nigger writing a blog column gets paid to add that special, crunchy nigger-liciousness that makes living in these here United States groovy. I mean, come on Cat Daddy-O, you know how we do it. We got that slang, know that muzack, and can shine your website glossier than a crocodile tooth in the bayou. But somewhere within this world wide web are some unspoken rules about how nigger bloggers -- let's call them bliggers for ease -- observe a social order, so as not to overload the viewing public with too much black in one dose. We fucked around and got a black [Nobel Prize winning] president, and we ALL know neither we, nor he was ready for that.
To that point, bliggers have corners of the Matrix where they reside and defend points of view. When someone crosses those lines, their fellows endure an atmospheric lash from the select Hebrews who pay us in internet fame and itinerant checks. And usually it's no major foul, but it's always worth noting that dancing, singing or WRITING for a fee has its caveats, its pitfalls, its etiquettes. Although I endorse the full exploration of creative gifts, this here forum is sensitive to bullsh*t dilettantism.
DaHatersBall enjoys that the pick-a-ninny gossip blogs flirt with Us Weekly prestige in their design, but we rely on them for the latest on Vivica Fox's nose job, not for studious journalism. Even those crotchety self-hating propriety bliggers and high-falutin' professor bliggers know not to roam over to the music bligger Cool Table, or the Angry Bligger shouting booth. Hell, even the media bliggers posting videos of gyrating Jamaican babies, babies with wigs, babies dancing on graves, babies getting cussed out on the subway...even they maintain a measure of dignity by staying in their baby-exploitation lane. But what we do not need, and what nary a bligger can tolerate, is a rogue without a cause.
Enter Allison Samuels of Newsweek.
Ms. Samuels has not gotten that memo from our overseers, the one that expressly forbids intellectual posing in the name of blackness. Hers is borderline token blogging and it just won't do. Her first infraction, an article on the "hot messiness" of Zahara Jolie-Pitt's hair could have been considered an off-sides perhaps. After a long day lounging around a deadline for her beloved BAWSE, and perusing only the finest Bossips and Blossips and whatnots, she had a gust of sisterly indignation that amounted to rehashing a hair salon conversation for that Almighty Dollar. But the next few columns dribbled out more of the same poorly conceived, drearily biased fluff unbecoming of a newsy, politically-ensconced bligger. In the interest of letting her hair down (or out), she instantly turned into the Nappy Headed Ho of Newsweek renown. Rather than stretch her kinks on the pressing questions of humanity, she's penning a resentment essay, implicitly downing her blackness and assuming all the burdens society has hefted on her.
Now, it's all right for a bligger to obsess over her hair, and the Wicked White Witch of the West. Fair game to log your complaints against that oppressive Man in the Building as well. However -- and for Ms. Samuels HOever, the writing leaves much to be completed. For a thirty-something scavenger from the Elephant Graveyard of print, she coils her work in amateurish prose and stilted logic. It reads like a Freshman Seminar college paper from the head of the Black Students Union (read: future bliggers of America) to the English Department with no Nigger Lit gracing its syllabus.
"Dear Mr. Professor...you GOTSTA unnerstan' my plight for to TRULY edjacate me and my kindreds."
All right, so it's not as abysmal as that, but it may as well trample syntax for all of its pleading, small rhetoric. Newsweek has appointed her as the providential absolution for lingering guilt about the un-blackness of their rag. Needless to say, the experiment in post-racial token prizes has been unsuccessful with several bliggers expressing their dismay at her sensationally mediocre attempts at writing.
On behalf of bliggers everywhere, DaHatersBall issues a Cease and Desist Letter to Allison Samuels, lest she earn us the lashing of a life time. Besides, if she needs work, I know a certain music industry mogul hiring personal assistants for no money down.
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